WOW

Basically, it speaks for itself - spread on some white bread - WOW!

YET ANOTHER REASON (AS IF MORE ARE NEEDED) TO BE A SOUTHERNER (AND I BE ONE, SO I CAN SAY IT)

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Cops: South Georgia man had sex with dog

A south Georgia man accused of having sex with a dog remained in jail Sunday night, five days after his arrest, a sheriff's office spokesman told the AJC.

Colquitt County Sheriff's Office Henry Gene Ivey, 39, was arrested earlier this week after he allegedly broke into a mobile home and had sex with a dog.

Henry Gene Ivey, 39, has been charged with bestiality and burglary after he allegedly broke into a mobile home and had sex with the animal, the Colquitt County Sheriff's Office said.

Neighbors reported seeing Ivey walking two dogs just before 8 p.m. Monday, police said. Ivey allegedly took one of the dogs into the mobile home, and neighbors heard loud noises coming from the trailer, according to the report.

The first deputy at the scene went into the trailer and found Ivey having sex with the dog, police said.

Witnesses said the dog involved was a black mutt about the size of a Labrador retriever.

Ivey is being held on $20,000 bond.

FUNNY

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

THE GLORIOUS INSULT

When Insults Had Class: These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

OBAMA-CARE!

A FEW VERY SHORT BOOKS

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barrack Obama

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan, Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY by Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY! by Nancy Pelosi

GLOBAL WARMING

CAPTIVATING

....on a splurge (for us, anyway), I bought the new Susan Boyle CD. It is captivating. If you want to get lost in a CD, one to turn up loud in the car, this is the one. Somehow, she represents perseverance. Making it. I'll never forget the first time I heard her voice. It brought tears to my eyes.

X-MAS HAIR

HOW TO MAKE A PUMPKIN PIE

REDNECK PHOTOS

.....we're from SC, so we can say it!

McAMAZING

This is amazing (in a hard-to-believe way)..... the light represents all of the places where there are McDonald's branches in the US.

SEASONS

“Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.”

Henry David Thoreau

WIFELY DUTIES

This is one of those things you stumble across.... I've been aware that some people don't get my humor, so I'll keep that in mind!

The Good Wife's Guide
From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

CONTENTMENT

"True contentment is a thing as active as agriculture. It is the power of getting out of any situation all that there is in it. It is arduous and it is rare.”
-- G.K. Chesterton

100 THINGS THAT ARE HEADING INTO OBLIVION.... THINGS MY GIRLS WILL NEVER KNOW

There are some things in this world that will never be forgotten, this week’s 40th anniversary of the moon landing for one. But Moore’s Law and our ever-increasing quest for simpler, smaller, faster and better widgets and thingamabobs will always ensure that some of the technology we grew up with will not be passed down the line to the next generation of geeks.

That is, of course, unless we tell them all about the good old days of modems and typewriters, slide rules and encyclopedias …



Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.

Super-8 movies and cine film of all kinds.

Playing music on an audio tape using a personal stereo. See what happens when you give a Walkman to today’s teenager.

The number of TV channels being a single digit. I remember it being a massive event when Britain got its fourth channel.

Standard-definition, CRT TVs filling up half your living room.

Rotary dial televisions with no remote control. You know, the ones where the kids were the remote control.

High-speed dubbing.

8-track cartridges.

Vinyl records. Even today’s DJs are going laptop or CD.

Betamax tapes.

MiniDisc.

Laserdisc: the LP of DVD.

Scanning the radio dial and hearing static between stations. (Digital tuners + HD radio b0rk this concept.)

Shortwave radio.

3-D movies meaning red-and-green glasses.

Watching TV when the networks say you should. Tivo and Sky+ are slowing killing this one.

That there was a time before ‘reality TV.’

Wires. OK, so they’re not gone yet, but it won’t be long

The scream of a modem connecting.

The buzz of a dot-matrix printer

5- and 3-inch floppies, Zip Discs and countless other forms of data storage.

Using jumpers to set IRQs.

DOS.

Terminals accessing the mainframe.

Screens being just green (or orange) on black.

Tweaking the volume setting on your tape deck to get a computer game to load, and waiting ages for it to actually do it.

Daisy chaining your SCSI devices and making sure they’ve all got a different ID.
Counting in kilobytes.

Wondering if you can afford to buy a RAM upgrade.

Blowing the dust out of a NES cartridge in the hopes that it’ll load this time.

Turning a PlayStation on its end to try and get a game to load.

Joysticks.

Having to delete something to make room on your hard drive.

Booting your computer off of a floppy disk.

Recording a song in a studio.

Finding out information from an encyclopedia.

Using a road atlas to get from A to B.

Doing bank business only when the bank is open.

Shopping only during the day, Monday to Saturday.

Phone books and Yellow Pages.

Newspapers and magazines made from dead trees.

Actually being able to get a domain name consisting of real words.

Filling out an order form by hand, putting it in an envelope and posting it.

Not knowing exactly what all of your friends are doing and thinking at every moment.

Carrying on a correspondence with real letters, especially the handwritten kind.

Archie searches.

Gopher searches.

Concatenating and UUDecoding binaries from Usenet.

Privacy.

The fact that words generally don’t have num8er5 in them.

Correct spelling of phrases, rather than TLAs.

Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something.

The time before botnets/security vulnerabilities due to always-on and always-connected PCs

The time before PC networks.

When Spam was just a meat product — or even a Monty Python sketch.

Typewriters.

Putting film in your camera: 35mm may have some life still, but what about APS or disk?

Sending that film away to be processed.

Having physical prints of photographs come back to you.

CB radios.

Getting lost. With GPS coming to more and more phones, your location is only a click away.

Rotary-dial telephones.

Answering machines.

Using a stick to point at information on a wallchart

Pay phones.

Phones with actual bells in them.

Fax machines.

Vacuum cleaners with bags in them.

Taking turns picking a radio station, or selecting a tape, for everyone to listen to during a long drive.

Remembering someone’s phone number.

Not knowing who was calling you on the phone.

Actually going down to a Blockbuster store to rent a movie.

Toys actually being suitable for the under-3s.

LEGO just being square blocks of various sizes, with the odd wheel, window or door.

Waiting for the television-network premiere to watch a movie after its run at the theater.

Relying on the 5-minute sport segment on the nightly news for baseball highlights.

Neat handwriting.

The days before the nanny state.

Starbuck being a man.

Han shoots first.

“Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” But they’ve already seen episode III, so it’s no big surprise.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, as opposed to KFC.

Trig tables and log tables.

“Don’t know what a slide rule is for …”

Finding books in a card catalog at the library.

Swimming pools with diving boards.

Hershey bars in silver wrappers.

Sliding the paper outer wrapper off a Kit-Kat, placing it on the palm of your hand and clapping to make it bang loudly. Then sliding your finger down the silver foil to break off the first finger

A Marathon bar (what a Snickers used to be called in Britain).

Having to manually unlock a car door.

Writing a check.

Looking out the window during a long drive.

Roller skates, as opposed to blades.

Cash.

Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.

Spending your entire allowance at the arcade in the mall.

Omni Magazine

A physical dictionary — either for spelling or definitions.

When a ‘geek’ and a ‘nerd’ were one and the same.

GOT PLANS?

“When planning for a year, plant corn.
When planning for a decade, plant trees.
When planning for life, train and educate people."

Chinese proverb: Guanzi (c. 645 BC)

LOOK CLOSELY

.....why does a handle-less door need a welcome mat?

YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL EMPLOYEE IF.....

Jeff Foxworthy on school employees



YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.



YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.



YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.



YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without ever looking outside.



YOU might be a school employee if you believe 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on a report card.



YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.'



YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.



YOU might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June.



YOU might be a school employee if you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.



YOU might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.



YOU might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the 'lounge.



YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.



YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.



YOU might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.



YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, 'Why is this kid like this?'



YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.



YOU might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons...and desks and chairs for that matter!



YOU might be a school employee if the words 'I have college debt for this?' has ever come out of your mouth.



YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

BON QUI QUI