"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?"
"When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
"Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?"
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning."
"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"
"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?"
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